Is it really less than a week since my first post about this? Good grief. So much is happening and things developing so quickly, it seems as if time has slowed down to a quarter of its usual speed.
It also seems important to record every detail as I go along, so now I’m keeping a journal. Not just for my benefit, but so that I will be able to share with others all the experiences and insights that are landing on me like snowflakes in a blizzard.
I can also see that there is probably a book in the pipeline!
A new me
Where to start? Well, there’s been an enormous list of changes since this began:
- I can no longer feel any trace of the CFS/ME illness that had so worn me down in recent years. In fact, I am feeling fitter now than at any time in my entire life. Seriously!
- I am experiencing my self as an expanse of awareness within which my personality is an optional feature.
- I am experiencing my body as a vessel for kundalini energy. Bodily sensations serve as feedback indicating where I’m either allowing it or resisting it.
- Both my skin and hair feel like that of a newborn baby.
- I feel enveloped in a kind of cool flame, gently throbbing.
- My appetite is very low as I feel so well nourished by kundalini itself.
- There is an aroma that I long ago noticed I give off during spiritual retreats, which is reminiscent of haystacks drying in the sun. I am oozing that same aroma now.
- I can also taste sweet nectar in my mouth, presumably the amrita described by others.
- I experience the awakened kundalini energy as a living, loving, intelligent, feminine presence residing in my belly.
- The effect of allowing kundalini to flow freely throughout my body is ecstatic and orgasmic.
- I sometimes seem able to communicate, or at least commune, with this presence, as a pregnant mother might with her unborn baby.
- Actions have become effortless. Or to be more precise, the less effort I focus into my actions, the more effective and efficient they become.
- Contrary to what I might have expected, I have no desire to give up alcohol or meat. I love beer! I love venison steaks!
- I have, however, felt drawn to give up normal toothpaste in favour of natural materials, especially coconut oil.
Generally I’m feeling fine, great, spacious, open, loving, truthful – and all seems so strangely natural. Conversations with my wife help many insights come into focus.
One feature of the shaktipat moment was knowing that everything I have done, including every “mistake” I have ever made in my lifelong search for ultimate understanding, has been completely right and perfect, playing its part in leading up to that one moment.
The same is also true of every doubt I have ever had about spirituality — perfect at the time, and now unnecessary.
Also, my 15+ years of interest / obsession in a number of channelled teachings, especially the Michael teachings, have been validated, straight from the horse’s mouth as it were. While the integrated personality/spirituality system given in those teachings has always seemed, in my experience, to be perfectly understandable and applicable, I have occasionally questioned the reality of the source over the years. (What if the teachings are really just coming from different channels’ subconscious minds?) But now I’ve met the source!
Awareness and the mind
Generally I am experiencing my Self as an expanse of Awareness. I picture it as a convex shape facing forwards, rather like a radar dish. It’s at least as big as my body and slightly behind it.
And in this open Awareness I can sense my mind as a silvery sphere, slightly below and in front of me (like a globe sitting on my lap). On closer inspection it’s a shimmering web of concepts, memories, patterns, with myriad connecting threads criss-crossing between them all.
I can reach into or focus into my mind to find words, concepts, meanings and memories as I need to. Then I can lean back and let the mind go.
I notice that many concepts in the mind have associations to less-than-effective emotional and behavioural patterns. So if, for example, I focus for a while on “what to buy from the shops today”, in addition to the practical associaitons leading off from that (tea, cereal, fish food…) there are also some associations with past concerns, issues, fears, experiences and so on, such as my anxiety about fogetting to buy something important and then letting down the family.
I can “touch” those associations without getting caught in the web. But I can also imagine that if I were to focus for a long time in there, I might lose awareness of the Awareness, if you see what I mean.
So I can see how one becomes identified with a perspective that is centralised on one’s life history and its associated fears. To take on that focus would be like picking up the spherical web of my mind and putting it over my head, like a crash helmet, limiting myself to the percptions that are filtered through its visor and the habitual patterns that are embedded in it.
Living with Kundalini
The kundalini appears to have taken up residence somewhere in my abdomen, between diaphragm and naval. It’s like a glowing jewel, solid as a diamond, bright as a star, and oozing a kind of nectar into my body.
If I get focused and busy on a task, it recedes into the background and awaits its turn. It’s rather like one of those underwater volcanoes – unseen above water, but there all the same, and immensely powerful.
And then, whenever I just relax and let go, up it shoots. And the more I relax and let go, the more energy I can feel surging around me. Then I feel boundless, joyful energy, like a child running in the sunshine. I can turn my hand to any task and it works itself out effortlessly.
(The other day I decided to give some attention to our garden pond, which had become rather murky and sad-looking thanks to my inability to keep up the necessary maintenance in recent years. But I knew exactly what to do, and did it with great strength and clarity over about 1 hour. Now the pond looks perfect, and even the fountain sounds just right. Our big koi still looks grumpy though.)
At different times I feel Kundalini working on different parts of my anatomy, massaging any resistance into blissful submission.
This week it has been working a lot up my left side, starting with the spleen (i just checked the anatomical location to make sure), then parts of my back and left shoulder, and on into my left brain hemisphere. The sensation is always exquisite.
I am experiencing the Kundalini presence as intelligent, gentle and very agreeable. It’s an amazing relationship — a dialogue — that I am learning more about on a daily basis. An amusing analogy came to mind. At first it was like I’d started having a passionate affair with a secret mistress. Within a week it became more of a romance. Then I realised I’d been sleeping with my guru all along!
Sometimes (like yesterday) I wake up in the morning and think, “Oh, she’s gone. Dammit. Ah well, it was great while it lasted. I wonder if I’ll ever hear from her again?”
Only she hasn’t gone anywhere. She’s just quietly hanging out in the background somewhere, waiting for me to get up and get my chores out of the way. Then as soon as I relax again, she creeps up behind me and then suddenly I’m aware of being gently kissed on the cheek or stroked by a feather.
The other day I was very busy all morning, but then in the afternoon went for a walk — an opportunity to relax. As I walked, I could feel this little presence in my solar plexus, like a bundle of concentrated potential, but I had no idea what it wanted to do.
Within minutes it was making my heart glow with something akin to an orgasm. It took my breath away, and as I was walking in public I had to quickly find somewhere to hide and compose myself!
Kundalini has become a kind of inner guide. Today I asked inwardly,
“What am I supposed to eat and drink if I am to sustain this?
And immediately I got a response which, in words, amounted to:
“You can eat and drink whatever you like. It doesn’t matter. What matters is how you eat and drink. Whatever you put in your mouth, think of it as oral sex. Both give and receive maximum pleasure.”
I still have no idea how long any of this is going to last.
“I am imbued with some special spirit”
I keep being reminded of a scene from the film Network, a fantastic 1976 satire about TV news in the US.
The hero of the story is a news anchorman (played by Peter Finch, a performance for which he won an Oscar), who gets all fired up after being told he’ll lose his job thanks to falling ratings. He then announces on air that he intends to blow his brains out on live TV. Not because he’s suicidal, but as a mutinous gesture.
Despite coming across as a ranting madman, that’s not really where he’s really coming from, as he explains to a colleague in one of the most extraordinary mystical speeches:
I am imbued with some special spirit. It’s not a religious feeling at all. It is a shocking eruption of great electrical energy. I feel vivid and flashing as if suddenly I had been plugged into some great electro-magnetic field. I feel connected to all living things, to flowers, birds, to all the animals of the world and even to some great unseen living force, what I think the Hindus call prana … a shattering and beautiful sensation! It is the exalted flow of the space-time continuum, save that it is spaceless and timeless, and of such loveliness! I feel on the verge of some great ultimate truth… **
* Here’s a great fan-made trailer for the film (great apart from one spelling mistake).