11 September 2006
I discovered yesterday that I have an underlying feeling of pessimism about my desires coming true. It’s a belief or expectation that it would be a bad move to have my desires met.
I contemplated this during my meditation and got that it relates to certain experiences in my youth when I felt humiliated. In one case it was about a girlfriend, in another it was about going to university. In both cases my desires had come true, but then after a while there had been a rotten, humiliating outcome. I think I got the impression that having my desires come true was just a route to humiliation, and I explained this to myself by deciding that “my desires are silly” and not worthy of fruition.
During the meditation I got extremely high (ecstatic, blissful) and felt my deeper self to be a powerhouse of creative evolution, or evolutionary creativity — the word that emerged was ‘fire-power’, like a furnace of creative power, filled with the confidence of its own value in the universe. And a sense of being completely at home as a creative power within it.
I remembered wanting to be an astronaut in my youth. I had wanted to rise above the human world, revel in the beauty of the cosmos, and then say to everyone: Look, folks, this is the real world; this is our real home. When I meditate, I get that very feeling.