Insight into body state and self-critical attitude

10 December 2007

My meditation has been up and down, the downs essentially being due to life disruptions causing me to occasionally miss my daily slot. (The main disruption being the fact that we have moved house.)

Whenever I miss meditation, even just for a day, it seems to take up to a week to get back where I was. Tonight was an odd one in that I first moved the chair I use into a different position in the room … and then spent the next half hour not quite feeling right.

There have, however, been some extremely deep and fulfilling meditations of late. Typically, I feel the great ‘hum’ of my being – my body and mind seem to fall into a natural resonance with this core hum – and it feels quite exquisitely peaceful and blissful.

And, to add to the excitement, I have been having spontaneous movements—a finger twitch here, a jerk of the neck there.

And to cap it all I recently felt overwhelmed by a greater energetic presence, as though it came from behind me and cradled me in its field of love.

All in all, my meditation keeps me centred and always looking forward to going further.

This Saturday night I had a few insights while meditating. I find that I can often have great insights just by asking myself a troubling question—the answer seems to just pop into my awareness. I began by asking myself why I have so much trouble with my body—ailments, accidents, aches and pains. The answer: it’s all a direct manifestation of my self-judgement, self-criticism and self-doubting. OK… So I asked myself what would it feel like not to have all that. The answer: my body felt beautiful, and I was somehow more directly present, just radiating me through my body.

So my self-criticalness is like a metal suit I make myself wear, all heavy and sharp and painful, but letting go of it brings the most wonderful relief and feels so natural and light.

I sense that there is a connection here with charisma—people who are charismatic show no self-doubt or concern with how they come across.

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