IMPATIENCE is one of seven basic character flaws or “dark” personality traits. We all have the potential for impatient tendencies, but in people with a strong fear of missing out, Impatience can become a dominant pattern.
Contents
What is impatience?
Impatience is usually defined as:
irritation with anything that causes delay;
a restless desire for change and excitement; [1]
To be impatient is to feel and show hostility towards (or at least about) things which obstruct, frustrate or delay one’s goals. Impatient people resent being held up, whether intentionally by another person or just accidentally in the normal course of events.
Impatience has some similarity to the emotion of anger. Animals and people alike become enraged in response to deliberate outside threats to their well-being, or the well-being of their loved ones. The anger is partly an expression of the fear that comes from being threatened, invaded or mistreated, and partly a sort of warning shot, a firm “No!” to deter the outside threat from going any further.
Impatience is also somewhat different from anger, however, in that the impatient person is predisposed to perceive virtually all situations as threatening—not to their survival per se but to their goals. More exactly, it is as if their survival depends upon the accomplishment of as many goals as possible as quickly as possible.
My impatience
I have impatience as my chief feature, so I can describe it from first hand experience.
My impatience was initially a complete blind spot for me. I did not know how impatient I was until it was pointed out to me. (This is true of chief features generally.) There are various giveaway signs, however: constant jaw-clenching and teeth-grinding, swearing at the slightest frustration, and a proneness to high blood pressure. I once asked around some Michael students who knew their overleaves and found that all those diagnosed with hypertension also had a chief feature of impatience.
The main characteristic of impatience as I experience it, though, is a constant nagging fear of not being able to get enough done before I die.
Components of impatience
Like all chief features, impatience involves the following components:
- Early negative experiences
- Misconceptions about the nature of self, life or others
- A constant fear and sense of insecurity
- A maladaptive strategy to protect the self
- A persona to hide all of the above in adulthood
Early Negative Experiences
In the case of impatience, the key early negative experiences revolve around being left out of activities. Perhaps the child was never allowed to participate in important events or decisions with the rest of the family. Perhaps the child was never allowed out of the house to have a normal social life like the rest of the kids. Either way, the child was left with a sense of missing out on life.
Misconceptions
From persistent experiences of missing out or being left out, the child comes to perceive himself as needing to make up for lost time:
The rest of the world is ahead of me. It’s so unfair. I have a lot of catching up to do.
Life is so short. Time is running out. I have wasted too much time already.
I have to get through every task as quickly as possible. I have no time for distractions, diversions, obstructions, failures.
Anything that slows me down is unacceptable.
Fear
Based on the above misconceptions and early negative experiences, the child becomes gripped by a specific kind of fear. In this case, the fear is of missing out—being unable to squeeze the maximum value out of every single second of life, being stuck in the present moment’s activity when the most important thing in life lies in the future, being unable to do all that needs doing before death strikes.
Strategy
The basic strategy for coping with this fear of missing out is to constantly resist spending time in the present and to virtually force one’s way into the future. Typically this involves:
- rushing through activities as quickly as possible, and rushing from one activity to the next;
- seeing others as either a help or a hindrance, and pushing hindering people out of the way;
- not tolerating slowness, delay or failure, either in others, in oneself or in life itself;
- being constantly prepared to go on the offensive, clenched and tensed up, ready to push ahead and punch a hole through any obstruction;
- reacting aggressively to any perceived hold-up.
The impatient child decides that he has to make the most of every remaining moment. Any opportunity to achieve his goals must be fully exploited. A single wasted moment is like another nail in his coffin.
Persona
Emerging into adulthood, the individual does not want go around being overtly afraid and insecure about running out of time before meeting death. Instead, he pretends—or rationalises—that his restlessness and hostility have nothing to do with him. It’s just that he has some very important work to do and other people keep getting in the way.
Hence the chief feature of impatience puts on a mask which says to the world, “It’s not me. It’s just that what I am doing right now is extremely important and urgent. And the thing I am doing next is even more important and urgent. So either help me out right now or **** off.”
All people are capable of this kind of behaviour. When it dominates the personality, however, one is said to have a chief feature of impatience.
Positive and Negative Poles
In the case of impatience, the positive pole is termed AUDACITY and the negative pole is termed INTOLERANCE.
Audacity is a willingness to take risks, to leap in where others fear to tread, ideally without causing any harm.
Intolerance, of course, is the absolute unwillingness to accept or endure any distraction, interference, obstruction or delay, no matter who or what the source. This can lead to angry outbursts and destructive behaviour.
Any source of delay or obstruction is unacceptable. Inanimate objects can be just as infuriating as as, say, incompetent road users or tardy school children. A car that won’t start first time is experienced as much an imminent threat as a burglar in the bedroom. Life itself can be regarded as a constant, unyielding obstacle.
Impatience is a key factor in what used to be known as the Type A personality. Typically these are highly competitive personalities (characteristic of young souls with a goal of dominance) as well as impatient. They are set up to be frustrated in their constant desire to achieve as much as possible now. It used to be believed that all highly driven people were prone to coronary heart disease. It is now thought that it is not the competitiveness or striving per se that foster heart disease but the level of hostility. This could be from a chief feature of impatience or a mode of aggression, or both.
Handling Impatience
As with every chief feature, the key is becoming conscious of how impatience operates in oneself. If you have impatience, you can begin by observing the persona in action:
- Do I exaggerate the importance and urgency of my activities?
- Do I see other people as either a help or a hindrance? Do I push and shove unhelpful others out of the way?
Try to catch yourself in the act of putting on your “I must quickly do something important” mask.
Then dig deeper:
- Why must I get everything done now?
- Why do I keep rushing to get to the next moment, the next activity?
- What am I afraid of?
- What do I fear would happen if I never got everything done and out of the way?
Approaching the deepest level you may need outside help in the form of a counsellor, therapist or at least a close friend:
- Where does this fear of missing out come from?
- How was I hurt?
- Can I let it go?
Insight in itself will not remove the impatience. By the time you reached adulthood, the neural pathways underlying your chief feature were pretty well established in the brain. Nevertheless, the brain is plastic, malleable, reconfigurable. Just as you can become more aware of impatience through self-observation and self-enquiry, so too you can gain more control over it through using that awareness and by exercising choice in the moment.
- Whenever I feel like punching life out of the way, I will now be more willing to accept the limitations of time.
- I will be more willing to let my goals slide. I will never get it all done before I die anyway.
Another way to handle a chief feature is to “slide” to the positive pole of its opposite. In the case of impatience, if you feel yourself getting caught in the grip of intolerance, the negative pole of impatience, you can re-balance yourself using the positive pole of martyrdom, namely selflessness. In other words, you focus attention on what someone else is seeking or trying to do, and you do something to help them even though there is no personal gain to be had. Spending time acting selflessly is a way to short-circuit the fear of missing out.
[1] wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwnFurther Reading
For an excellent book abut the chief features and how to handle them, see Transforming Your Dragons by José Stevens.
It is so truth. I have no patience. And I have a constant fear and sense of insecurity.
It’s the fear that you are going to miss out on something. I know i’ve been there and rushing things is when you really do miss out.
I am a habitually late person. I have recently realized that I somewhat subconsciously delay myself on purpose because I hate waiting. This lateness crosses over to things that will not make me wait, but are just undesirable things. I have not realized that this idea of Impatience was a part of me, it is very strange. I am a relatively patient person when it comes to most things, but when it comes to waiting for people, I cant stand it, so I selfishly make them wait for me.
Hi Jordan! I am Swaraj from India. I am a happiness counselor where i am trying to bring happiness to your face. In any way u r not happy, we have the solution. Your problem is very simple, u r lacking a bit of patience. U felt so much upset when others are not coming on time but, u led others to keep on waiting for long time. What a selfish attitude this is? Really, have u ever asked to ur heart what that persons are feeling to you when u led them for a long wait. U know what our characters are not probabilistic not deterministic. means we can’t frame a particular person’s character in a time bound frame. may be u r a nice person, but nobody knows that u r nice, ur act determines how nice you are. Why r u thinking that others r not coming on time so i will also not go on time and i will 5 minute late of exact schedule. Then that time all are available for you. But, in that manner u r character is deteriorating day by day and one day u may be known to an infamous person for being so much impatient.
Please, be patient for every thing for life, relationship, work, etc. Just u set target for punctuality so all will give the example of Jordan that he is a punctual person. So, this time be different, be patience, be good then see after one month all will like you and your life become smoother and smoother like a road.
if u have any other queries then mail me at spakenja@gmail.com.
Jordan’s response sounds just like myself, but I’ll need to read the other traits to get a further handle on which one best suits me.
I found this article very interesting and profound. I believe that as a younger person I was a reasonably patient person. But in the last 35 years or so I have become increasingly impatient and it has had a negative impact on my life. I truly want to rid myself of this character defect and am taking steps to relax, slow down and enjoy others as they are without demanding that they act like I would like them to.
Thanks, Larry
Thanks Larry. Yes, I thought I was the model of patience until I became an adult. I didn’t spot it until I recognised my fear of dying too young, without achieving everything.
– barry
Great article! I came to see this trait in myself in the last few years, but the way that I came to a place of fearlessness (and audacity) was through becoming impatient about what I strongly believed was important, like healing and my spiritual well-being. I became impatient with abuse, mistreatment, and with people who were, for sinful reasons (ie envy and greed), intentionally holding me back. I was habitually impatient because I had all of these forces in my life that were looking to knock me down and keep me down, and I just underestimated the effect that they had on my psyche. The sad thing is, if I would have grown older and moved on without ever confronting those people, they would have stayed with me even after they were gone.
I am suffering from the same situation.i m totaly impatient guy d negativity and misconception,fear about what will gona happen next?
i realy want treatment about dis
I get angry at my self for swearing, now I understand. You have explained to me that no one or life has ever been able to do. The “Components of Impatience” is absolutely me. I am a selfless person and I always thought it came from rejection, Its probably the only way I can get people to like me. I get anxious if I am not liked. I don’t have a fear of death but I need to be in control of my safety, I would never do anything death defying. I also do not know how to have relationships not even with my children. I annoy the hell out of them by talking (not listening) because silence is uncomfortable for me and yes I have Hypertension. All my life I have always felt invisible and still do.
May be your parent(s) treated you invisible?
Thanks for posting. I am so impatient. Funny thing is people often see me as very laid back. I had some rejection issues in my youth from my classmates and am veerrry sensitive. I always believed i was the dorkiest dork. I have always thought everyone had it better because they didn’t have to deal with having a dorky personality. THEN major financial issues occurred during late high school to college years that left me having to pay for nearly everything on my own……which was good for me….but left me bitter bc I went to school with a bunch of spoiled rich kids. I now totally see how this correlates with my impatience. I am so hard on myself and have high aspirations but have become VERY impatient with my friends/loved ones. It scares me. This is an excellent first step recovery. So thank you a million for spelling this out.
Really glad you found it helpful!
This one twanged a highly strung string! Blimey, so THAT’s what’s been going on?! All this time I thought I was angry! Not really, just intolerant and way too busy to give anyone any time. Thanks for your help
Bah – I don’t have time for this!
i’m surprised i had the patience to read this article but it was very true i kept on reading. very interesting
It seems I struggle with *all* of the chief features (am I exhibiting self-deprecation right now?) to the extent that I have trouble identifying with any one – or even two – of them exclusively. But I have always struggled with this sense that time is running out, that I’ve wasted too much time, that life could be over any minute etc… I associate this with the passing of a parent at a very early age. But what’s interesting is I don’t tend to be impatient with people. (I can sometimes be impatient with inanimate objects that feel incompetently designed, i.e. like they’re rigged to sabotage my efforts, and – I wonder if this isn’t something more closely aligned with martyrdom, i.e. it’s not my fault, my life is just inherently impossible.) In fact as I’ve gotten older I realize I’ve developed kind of a plodding rhythm through life, with a tendency to wait too long and miss opportunities altogether. This brings me back to self-deprecation, and a tendency to take the easy way out and sell my self short.
Anyway, as I was reading this article I was trying to “read between the lines” and perhaps identify my chief feature as impatience, given that so many elements of the description resonate with my (mis)perceptions about life. Then my phone rang, with a coworker whose chief feature is unquestionably impatience on the other end, and I decided that I probably don’t fit the bill. 🙂
Haha! Thanks Marc.
Self-sabotage is often at the milder end of self-destructive tendencies, but I think I’m not sensing that in your “voice”.
As I’ve said, we can all probably recognise traces of all of these tendencies within ourselves. I have caught myself stepping into arrogance, greed, etc every now and then. I think different situations can evoke the underlying fears, which must be pretty much universal. But when it happens, it seems easy to spot – I am surprised to see myself acting “out of character”. The chief feature, though, will be the most pervasive and trigger-happy, and will seem “in character”.
Anyway, I’m wondering if you might be showing signs of stubbornness, partly in that you may be playing “hard to get” with yourself, and you also mentioned a tendency to let opportunities go, which might be a way of avoiding the life changes that opportunities can provide…
B
Thank you for your thoughtful reply, Barry! I regret that it took me a few weeks to realize you’d written it.
Your interpretation of self-sabotage as a mild form of the self-destructive feature is insightful. As a younger man I definitely exhibited self-destructive tendencies – excessive drinking, risk-taking, etc. – but maturity and necessity (i.e. a family) have brought me past that. Perhaps self-sabotage is what remains.
That you arrive at stubbornness from what I’ve written is perhaps more interesting, if only because I don’t generally consider myself (or the behavior I described in my post) as stubborn, and this resonates with the principle that our chief feature will tend to be a blind spot for us. I tend to regard my “willingness” to wait, for instance, as the opposite of stubbornness, but perhaps I’m just mislabeling inertia. Others have described me as stubborn and unchangeable, I can certainly see instances where I’ve “played hard to get” with both myself and others. Doing nothing is definitely in character for me, and the one recurring pattern I would most likely miss.
It’s also striking to me that stubbornness sits in the center of the diagram of chief features, because when I do sense another weakness as being a part of my self, it is usually paradoxically and simultaneously associated with a seemingly contradictory weakness. The best example of this is arrogance vs. self deprecation, where my low self esteem is aggravated by a sense that I should be entitled to more, by virtue of intelligence, experience, or some other quality I (over)value in myself. There are similar, though less obvious, analogs in terms of greed vs. self-destruction, and impatience vs. martyrdom. Maybe they’re less obvious to me because I tend to frame my decisions in terms of self-worth, what one deserves in life, etc, thusly highlighting the arrogance/ self-deprecation pole.
In any event, I appreciate your perspective and will make a point to go back and read more on stubbornness!
Hi again Marc
Another possibility occurs to me – perhaps you have the goal of Contentment (as I’ve called it; other names are flow, suspension, stagnation), which is basically about taking life as it comes rather than having a drive to get something specific out of life. The epitome of this is the Buddha, but also there are a number of famous figures such as William Shatner. People with this goal find that, in the positive pole, the more relaxed and positive they are, the more doors of opportunity just open as if by magic. In the negative pole, life stands still and the soul gets bored.
Now then, a goal of Contentment with a CF of Impatience would be an “interesting” combination – you would have no great urge to do anything except to relax and be in the moment, but you would fear that you are missing out on all the things you could be doing if only you took action. From the ego’s point of view, time is running out and you need to do something about it. From the soul’s point of view, it’s all about fully living in the present.
I could be barking up completely the wrong tree, so if none of this resonates then just ignore it.
Cheers
Barry
“I could be barking up completely the wrong tree, so if none of this resonates then just ignore it.”
No, this fits the bill very well! I’m still coming to terms with the concept of the “Goal”, because the language to me implies something that one might arrive at late in life, and which will not necessarily be in evidence as he or she works toward it. What is described in the articles, and implied by your response, is something I might instead call a “mode”, i.e. one’s way of getting through their entire life. For instance, to me Contentment and Growth are the only goals that really make any sense* but my day to day mode of thinking and operation bears much more in the way of Rejection. (And as I grow older, I’m increasingly aware of the cost of bearing this trait.)
In any case, there is no question that there is some sort of contradiction built into my persona. I once read a passage from an interesting book that categorized people according to their combined astrological sun sign, and Chinese zodiac animal. By this analysis, I’m a Capricorn Monkey. There is an inherent struggle between the Capricorn’s groundedness (Contentment?) and the Monkey’s showy, mischievous nature (Impatience?) I don’t know whether you put any stock in either of these systems, but the passage was alarmingly spot-on; I might as well have written it myself. It concluded by saying that Capricorn Monkeys are often tortured souls. “Interesting” combinations indeed. 🙂
Barry, thank you again for your time and your thoughtful responses.
*Acceptance also feels like a life goal to me, but here I mean the word differently than described in your articles, i.e. as a matter of accepting life for what it is, vs. accepting/ attracting others.
Apologies for replying to my own reply 🙂 but I see I should have re-read the article on Contentment again before posting. Described instead as “Surrender”, Contentment perhaps best describes what I mean by the word “Acceptance”, and in this regard, it is very likely my life goal – to the extent that I almost cannot make sense of any of the others. Very insightful – thank you!
And now I feel foolish: I see there is a “Mode” described in these teachings as well as a Goal. I obviously have a lot of reading to do.
i often find myself pushing my partner into things. always asking wots next n where r we going now? when am i seeing u?
its very frustrating because i kno he loves me and im not going to lose him but i find myself increasingly pushing for answers that dont need answered.
he gets very short with me i kno this must be hard to deal with and i myself dont want to be like this.
have u got any suggestions how i can fix my problem?
Hi Susan
Sorry it’s taken me ages to get back – health issues at this end.
So, you have this compulsion (is that an ok word for it?) to forcefully question your partner, as though he were constantly hiding something from you, or about to run out on you.
It seems that at an unconscious level you just can’t seem to trust him, even though at a more conscious level you actually do. That suggests there is something from your past history that is being triggered in this relationship. For example, did you lose a parent when you were very young?
Some people have a fear of intimacy because (for example), as a young kid, they were very close to their Dad but then he suddenly walked out, or died, leaving them feeling abandoned and unbearably grief-stricken. The event sticks in their unconscious as a sort of template of what to expect, so they fear entering an intimate relationship again in case the same thing happens.
I don’t think you are like that exactly, but I suspect something in your history has made you ‘expect the unexpected’ – a sudden abandonment by someone you consciously trust.
Has this sort of pattern happened in other relationships, or is it unique to your current partner?
Barry
i am in a Medical Office class and need some spicific detailing.
What’s the issue, Isabella?
i feels bad when i need urgent answers and then the person am expecting to answer starts long stories that wont even relate to what i want..!!! is this being impatient???
Well yes, and the fact that I made you wait 2 weeks for an answer probably didn’t help!
There’s everyday impatience, where we just get frustrated at the slowness or obstructiveness of things around us.
And then there’s Impatience with a capital I, a chief feature that is driven by a constant, deep-seated terror of missing out in life — missing whatever may be in some other place or time because I am physically stuck in this place and time.
Which feels closer to what you’re describing?
B
This was really awesome article and so totally me. I laughed aloud many times, especially the “help me dont hinder or get the f*&^ out of the way.” This is the story of my life. I did enjoy your response to Marc about the goal of contentment too. This is truly my goal and has been for several years. In fact, I have been laid off of jobs several times in the past several years and it has been excruciatingly painful finding productivity and things to do to make me feel worthy in the interim, until i found another job. I often felt like the universe was laying me off to make me feel the present instead of the constant push of goal accomplisment. So thanks for this. Very inspiring. Hope you are back to health and wholeness barry.
Great to hear from you, sab
I’m glad (or possibly sorry) you resonate so much with the article!
Cheers
B
You describe my younger sister here – now an nearly 60 adult who can ruin our get togethers sometimes because she’s so impatient . She’s aware of this – do think your book might help her at
This stage in her life?
Hi Diane
You mean, presumably, the book by José Stevens, Transforming Your Dragons? Yes, it gievs a variety of insights into impatience, what underlies it, and how to deal with it from psychological and more spiritual approaches. I suppose the question is, would she read that sort of thing? Or is she of the “can’t teach old dogs new tricks” mindset? Is she ‘open’ to self-help books like José’s? There are in fact amazingly few books on dealing with impatience, and I suspect that’s because our society itself is impatient and just sees it as a fact of life. There are some with a Christian/Biblical basis, if she’s that way inclined.
You say she’s aware of it though, which in itself is one giant leap, the first essential step in the direction of improvement.
Cheers
Barry
I am intrigued by the posts here…as many seem to be.
I am extremely frustrated by my own impatience. My wife (and others) feels that I am generally “angry” (vs. frustrated and vocal) when I cannot except “sluggish decision making.” My wife is an identical twin and has a life long (69 yr) habit of “debating” about even the simplest decision. She and her twin cannot avoid creating several possible outcomes for each potential course of action. I tend to be very quick at making decisions and cannot deal with those who don’t, without becoming agitated. I would like to be less confrontational when others need time to determine a course of action but find it very hard to “wait.” I have been working to understand my inability to relax and “go with the flow” yet feel I can rationalize my behavior based on the (my) need for closure.
I’d like to “dial down” my impatience and attach less importance to the silly issues that frustrate me but….??? Not sure how to begin the process.
Hello Bob, and my apologies for my “sluggish response”.
What an intriguing setup: you feel a need for closure while your wife feels a need for expansion and openness. You like to convert the various possibilities into one specific actuality, while she likes to see how far the possibilities can go. The friction seems to come from your commitment to getting THE course of action NOW so that you can get on with it. I guess it doesn’t matter to you so much WHAT the course of action IS; what matters most is that you are swinging into action rather than toying with mere ideas.
So a quick hypothetical analysis:
you are, I guess, what may be called “physically centered”, meaning that you live in your body and your normal focus of awareness is physical movement and action, cause-and-effect, making stuff happen,getting stuff done. Your wife is probably intellectually centered, meaning that she lives in her mind and her normal focus of awareness is what stuff means and how things conceptually relate. She also may have a creative streak, so it is natural for her to explore possibilities ad infinitum.
In theory, that could make for a perfect combination. She explores the various possibilities that you would probably overlook, while you make the decisions that, in reality, do need to be made and cannot be ignored. Something like that goes on with me and my wife. She is both creative and cautious – she meanders through possibilities that I would never see, but she’s on the lookout for things that could go wrong. I am more of a workhorse – tell me what to do and I’ll do it, just don’t ask me to think it through.
Your impatience suggests that you are aware of this difference between you and her at some level but you EXPECT her to be on board with your need for actionable decisions. It’s as though you have an unspoken agreement to complement each other, but (as you perceive it) she is not living up to her side of the bargain by respecting your need for decision-making.
Your impatience also suggests an attachment to decision-making that has some basis in fear rather than strong, healthy functioning. Is there a panic state lurking beneath the surface… The longer time goes on with no decision being made, the closer you feel to be on the edge of … What? What terrible thing is it that you associate with non-decisiveness or non-action?
I would recommend that you explore that fear within yourself, see if you can explain it to your wife, and also see if you can explicitly “negotiate” with your wife some sort of agreement around decision making. You have to respect her way of being as perfect, just as yours is. The aim isn’t to change her or make her wrong; nor is it for her to change you or make you wrong. The aim is to consciously explore and find a way to bring your different ways of being together.
I hope this helps,
Barry
Like most people who have commented here I too am so incredibly happy that I stumbled a across this site while looking for information about introverts (which I am one!). I always thought my primary flaw was self deprecation, but thanks to this I have learned that impatience is actually my primary with self deprecation being my secondary. Long story short, I lost my mom to a heart attack at age 5 and had brothers who teased the shit out of me and a sister who wanted nothing to do with me. And, I was the spoiled bratt!!! My siblings and I live totally different lifestyles. One brother is in and out of prison (He was the black sheep. My father treated us all differently.) I feel so guilty (still) that I (although flawed) live a “more successful” life. So this article has helped me deal with my character flaws, but how do I deal with the guilt?
Hi Mary
Thanks for getting in touch. It’s great that you’ve figured out those character flaws.
As for the guilt… I don’t know the specific history, of course, or where exactly you’re at with it, so I’ll cover a few possibilities that spring to mind and you can ditch whatever doesn’t fit. Also, if any of this is old hat, just skip it.
Here are some options that occur to me:
1) If you haven’t done so already, then consciously recognise and acknowledge that you are not responsible for the way your father treated his kids differently. Maybe there was something about you that he particularly liked, but that’s hardly your “fault”. He alone holds the responsibility for his choices and actions, including any bias or favouritism.
2) If, on the other hand you DID secretly or furtively play an active part in deliberately securing his favour, then come clean. First with yourself if you haven’t already, then with your siblings if you think they can take it without killing you. But mainly yourself.
I’m really not suggesting there WAS any such tactic or game-play on your part, but just IF there was then that would obviously be part of the guilt. If so, just admit it to yourself — maybe write down exactly and fully what it involved — and then throw it away and forgive yourself. You were a kid.
3) Perhaps you ENJOYED your Dad’s biased favouritism, even while your siblings were having a rough time. Then you grew up and saw the unfairness of it all, and started feeling guilty because at the time you were simply enjoying being “the chosen one.” Perhaps you didn’t notice or understand the unfairness; perhaps you didn’t empathise with their bad experiences… But again, you were a kid growing up within the environment you found yourself in and had little control over. It’s very easy as an adult to look back and see what was wrong. But being a child, at an immature age, you were entitled to have immature perceptions, feelings and reactions.
No amount of guilt (self-blame, self-punishment) on your part will change anything … It just feeds the *illusion* that if you suffer inner pain then that might somehow make amends for past injustices, i,e. balance things out with your siblings.
Also, note that carrying guilt leaves you open to manipulation insofar as others may learn how to push your guilt button.
4) You may need to be willing for your siblings to resent you forever more over the fact that you were unfairly well-treated. That is their choice, based on their truth as they perceive it within their individual perspectives, and according to their levels of maturity and insight. It’s not your responsibility to make them feel better about their lives.
If YOU want to feel better about their lives, you can either do so internally (let go of the sorrow over something you cannot change – the past); or you can do so externally, with your siblings, as a way to bring some closure to this. You could, for example, write each one a letter saying, “Yes, our father treated me unfairly well and you were poorly treated. I totally agree with the unfairness of that, and I’m sorry and I wish it hadn’t been like that. But I didn’t cause it, and we can’t change the past. As a child I was entitled to enjoy whatever was good in my childhood, even if you didn’t enjoy yours. I am an adult now and I have no reason to feel guilty about the way our father treated us.” Or whatever works best for you and for each sibling.
Of course, you don’t even have to relate to them if you don’t want to.
Also, it’s possible that you might inspire them to move on by your own moving on.
Well, I’m shooting in the dark here but I hope some of this at least provides suitable food for thought.
Cheers Mary.
Damn you’re good! You would have a field day with me….
Thank you.
🙂
I think what I really want is to understand my demanding husband. The second my husband wants something he pushes me until he gets it. It doesn’t matter what I am doing at that moment. He will hound me until he gets what he wants. It was easier for me to deal with when I was younger but now that I am middle aged, I am feeling abused by it. I point it out to him and he gives me a million excuses why he cant wait five minutes for a stamp or a sandwich or whatever he wants. I do my best to see the urgency of his need by asking him to explain it to me so I can understand him and it is rarely and urgent situation. If he asks me for the salt during dinner, if I have to put my fork down first, he huffs. It makes my life difficult and unhappy because it is all day, every day. He acts like he is entitled to my immediate response to his needs, as if it is my duty to be at his service at all times and immediately. He is disabled so we are together 24/7. I am his caretaker. He has always been impatient but it does seem a little worse now that he is disabled. He could use some of his time helping others but instead he dwells on himself all day long. He is usually very negative in general and that is a burden for me as well. He is very demanding even to the point of hanging over my shoulder while I am cooking to monitor what I am doing. I am a very good cook, yet he will instruct me as I am cooking. We have a small kitchen so it feels even more offensive to me. I do everything for him. When I make a delicious meal for him he will say “next time put more this or that in it” Even if it is just breakfast. He will not like the texture of the yolk. I guess I am wishing he would not add to my already difficult life by being impatient and demanding. I am fearful that as I continue to age and my response time gets slower, that things will get even more difficult for me. He did not come from a healthy family. He was not wanted. His mother was a self absorbed narcissistic person and his father was cold and unloving. His father wanted my husband to be aborted but his mother refused. She was not emotionally equipped to be a mother but she would not consider an abortion. His sister was the only child genuinely loved by his father. She still is and is well taken care of by her father. This is painful for my husband and his brothers. Is there any hope that he could stop being like this? When my reaction to him is negative, he feels like out of the blue, without provocation, I am attacking him. He doesn’t relate my reaction to his impatience. When I am firm with him by setting boundaries, he says I am being mean to him. Now that I have written this all down, it sounds like I am taking about a petulant child not a 50 year old man.
I have patience in I feel many things but I don’t have patience with people who I fear are not treating me as respectfully and caringly as I feel I treat them and as I feel I should be treated. I don’t think that’s a bad thing but I’m also impatience when looking for a job, but I think that’s normal, right? I need money and I want to be cared about as much as I care about others, I don’t know that this is impatience but I do know it feels like it at times.
I have a good portion of the chief features you’ve written about, but my main ones, the ones I experience on a daily basis, are self deprication, and impatience.
I feel the two are extremely unlikely bed fellows in that one seems to be the chief feature of someone who feels their path in life is important, or the chief feature of someone who doesn’t mind taking risks because they want to experience everything.
I’m very much a homebody, and change and risks scare the jeepers out of me (Yes I’m going to look at the stubborn chief feature here in a bit). However, if I’m trying to get somewhere I get really impatient with slower individuals. I get tense when I drive, and I’m hyper critical of other people.
The other, self deprecation, is my stronger flaw and it’s a doozy. I recently lost a couple of assignments as a temporary employee,and both losses were sudden, without any negative feedback preceding the end of the assignments. They’ve hit me pretty hard, especially considering the fact I already feel pointless. I feel this particular flaw is the trait of someone who doesn’t know anything positive about themselves, who’s kind of aimless without any form of importance. I find it strange then that I am both impatient and self deprecating.
To compile it all there were very few instances in my childhood where these flaws ought to have developed. My parents were laid back, but very religious. I was homeschooled which I know I resent because I missed out on a social life. There was a fair amount of conflict in the home when I was very young.
I apologize for the length of my post, so I’ll get to my question: How does one work with chief features that seem conflicting, particularly given the fact my childhood doesn’t seem to warrant the development of these features?
Hi Abbie,
So, how does one work with chief features that seem conflicting, particularly given the fact your childhood doesn’t seem to warrant the development of these features?
I would say first that it is in the very nature of chief features to be conflicting, primarily with you as a conscious whole person but also within and between themselves. Conflict is what they “do”. They are driven by blind fear to avoid certain things, and will do their damnedest to succeed even if it undermines you as a person with ambitions or good intentions. I don’t think there are any combinations that make for a harmonious fit. There are some who even have self-deprecation and arrogance in combination!
Usually there is one fear-driven feature dominating your inward perceptions (how you interpret self/life/others) and another dominating your behaviours (how you try to affect self/life/others).
I have the same combo as you, and in my case self-dep (“I am fundamentally inadequate as a human being, therefore I’m an imposter”) is the story that I continually tell myself inwardly.
Before I discovered where that belief was coming from (I.e. ME), I simply took it for granted as a fixed truth, a “fact” that life itself is continually reminding me of. So when I’m unconscious of my self-dep in action, I just assume my inadequacy is an objective truth. But as I have consciously focused on it and learned more about it, I see that my “Barry is an imposter” idea not a scientific fact but just a construct I put together in my childhood. I guess it mmust have made some sort of sense at the time! But maybe the reason is irrelevant now — the thing is to see through or beyond the whole facade and get on with living consciously.
And my impatience, by the way, seemed to come about as a way to outwardly disguise the “truth” of my perceived inadequacy. By acting busy and important, I imagined I was drawing attention away from my obvious inadequacy. “Look,” I said to the world with my impatient body language, “I’m so busy and important that I can’t possibly be inadequate!”
Interestingly, in terms of conflict, while the self-dep had me convinced of my inadequacy, I knew that the impatience was a lie. After all, my inadequacy was a fundamental fact, whereas my important, busy act was, I knew, just an act.
Rationally, one can step back and see that they can’t both be true, but I hadn’t thought it through so logically and consciously until I started writing about the chief features. For me, being impatient was more a case of taking refuge from a horrible “truth” in a slightly less horrible “lie.”
But the impatience took on a life of its own – I would (and sometimes still do) get impatient with people when I subconsciously fear they are onto my inadequacy. And as a result of adopting the lie of impatience, I also came to see myself as a liar, a fraud. So my self-dep of course had a field day incorporating “lying fraud” into my private self-image.
So my advice would be to see if you can spot how the two features have organised themselves into a “marriage of convenience” where one is fundamental and the other – despite being diametrically opposed in rational terms – somehow serves to back the first one up. Figuring out how they were triggered or shaped in childhood may or may not be helpful. The key is to recognise how they operate in your perceptions and actions, as well as how they relate (awkwardly perhaps) to each other.
Hope this helps,
I too have a combination of impatience and self-dep.. Impatience is ‘milder’ though, it doesnt affect me as deeply and painfully as self-dep does. It affects me the most when driving, when i need to use machines that won’t function properly, or when someone or something disrupts my concentration. I get so mad at the machines, and afterwards am left feeling so embarrased. hahah.. I believe it was originated in my childhood, as my father is a very strict but lovable baby Priest, and i did miss out on a lot of things my friends were able to do at that age that i wasnt because my dad wouldnt allow. It feels so good to recognize it now and truly forgive him, and even love him for that, for being an essential part of my growth.
As for self-dep, i believe mine developed because i was severely shy especially in my childhood, at school, where everyone would make fun of me because everyone knew i was shy and i couldnt disguise it cause my face turns bright red. It was quite painful, even more so during teenage years.. i felt like my shyness and blushing were a disease. im glad i can pinpoint, and realize now what a silly thing it truly was, but it has left its marks, and seemed at the time like the most painful thing ever, because im Priest and empath and i think it makes sense perhaps to be worse for the Priest not to be accepted as an equal..
I do feel like i have evolved so much from my early years but still every now and then self-dep comes back to haunt me, especially when meeting someone im interested in. I have built strong self esteem now but i know this is not “the answer”. Im aiming for ego loss.
It is so true though, how i feel the need to let them know that I am aware of my flaws before they can even realize them..
Thank you for this wonderful website
You’re very welcome, Cecília.
We do sound very similar. I am a natural introvert, which (as I’m sure you know) simply means that my brain is designed to focus inwards on making sense out of life, while extroverts do so by focusing outwards. Introverts naturally seek to understand things by observing, contemplating, and relating what they experience to what they know, or can infer. In contrast, extroverts naturally seek to understand things through expression and feedback, i.e. dialogue, discussions, and sometimes head-to-head arguments. So introverts naturally tend to be quiet, while extraverts are naturally more “visible” and certainly more audible.
As children, however, we introverts often pick up the false idea (from our family, peers at school, and popular culture generally) that extraversion is “normal” because it means “being a somebody”, “having a personality”, and heading for success, while introversion is frowned upon as abnormal, a sign of someone who is timid and “lacking personality” and destined for mediocrity.
This is a deeply unfortunate misconception to take on, given that is utterly untrue, but once it takes hold it tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. That’s because many of us come to perceive our own introversion as “something fundamentally wrong with me”, showing that we are clearly and irreversibly inadequate. I believe it is this early misconception – together with the fear of being publicly exposed as an “inadequate” person – that is the most likely root of shyness.
Many of us start out in our earliest years as normal introverts – quiet, but not shy. Within a few years, however, our more sociable extravert peers will have developed their social skills to interact with one another with ease, which in turn might leave us feeling increasingly behind the curve. So we become aware of ourselves as appearing to lack social competence.
Also, our “strange” quietness is likely to have been noticed and remarked upon again and again by our peers and our teachers — who might even regard it as a sign of weirdness or laziness. Feeling both behind the curve and not quite “normal”, but still wanting to be accepted into normal society, we begin to constantly worry about our ability to interact at all. We can become obsessively self-conscious and fearful about how we are perceived.
I think it is usually at that point, when we suddenly become hyper-self-conscious, that we have fallen into the shyness trap. We want to be accepted by our peers, but seeing ourselves as having this basic “abnormality” (which means we don’t really deserve their acceptance), we constantly fear being found out. So, our natural quietness is overlaid with reticence and a fear of being seen at all. I doubt that everyone who is “officially” shy will have self-dep as their CF, but I do suspect that everyone who has both introversion and self-dep will probably experience shyness, at least for a while.
By the way, here (https://twitter.com/SciencePorn/status/422789936937324545/photo/1) is something I recently reposted on my Personality & Spirituality Facebook page. Although I said it was just a bit of fun, I do actually think it is a neat way of thinking about introversion/extraversion and their more extreme forms (shyness and obnoxiousness respectively).
cheers
Barry
This is very enlightening and very helpful. =)
I get like this, but I feel like I can be all or nothing. I have a hard time just being average I guess. It’s either I’m good or I suck. I feel like I was held back socially a bit as a kid as I was always at dance class and I didn’t do a lot of things that most kids were doing. I kind of became introverted as I grew older. I’m in another waiting point in my life and it’s driving me nuts!!! lol I’m pretty sure this, if not my main one, is one of my flaws.
Hi Katy
Here’s a thought that occurs to me (though I could be way off target, in which case feel free to ignore!)
“Hard time being average, either I’m good or I suck” — that sounds like Arrogance (which hates being seen as merely average), and also sounds like when you can’t be seen as better than average then you swing to Self-deprecation. In other words, swinging from “I’m the best” to “I’m the worst” — for the ego, comparing itself to others, both are attractive positions. Telling yourself you’re the worst is almost as good as being the best, since it preempts others’ negative judgements. Both are generalisations. Instead of just recognising “I am good at this, but not so good at that thing,” we generalise from single outcomes to make an entire judgement about our character — “I am the best” or “I am the worst”.
Any resonance?
Barry
Yes it does… I guess deep down I am VERY competitive, and I didn’t know I was. I want to say it’s b/c when it came to everyday school as a kid I was at the bottom, but when it came to other things such as preforming it’s where I thrived and felt “special”. Dance and singing, even though it’s supposed to be an art, is VERY competitive. Whether it’s in the class room or for an audition you want to be noticed. It’s kind of an addicting feeling. The rush of whether or not you got a good part.
I feel bad b/c one part of me is good, but there is a dark side to me that I’m not even fully aware of. I want to say I’m brave enough to take the full truth, but I don’t know that.
I feel so confused about everything and everyone, and it fills me with anger that I have to feel like that. I still believe impatience is my main flaw if this philosophy it true.
Thank you for responding. I like your site b/c you’re beliefs and writings are one of the closest things I’ve found online that I feel I believe the most. I also appreciate your involvement on the site.
Sorry, just had a quick question… In your opinion, what is the best way to stop the cycle of arrogance? Usually when I think of arrogance I think of a bully, but maybe i’m a passive one and don’t realize it… I honestly do feel bad about being this type of person, and I think it is a problem.
Hi Katy,
There are different forms of bullying. Impatience can come out as bullying, as can a goal of dominance. A bully feels better by making others feel worse.
Arrogance is all about compare-and-contrast, leading to vanity or potentially narcissism. An arrogant person feels deeply insecure about their own (normal) vulnerabilities, and so wants to highlight their “special” qualities while deriding or highlighting others’ inferior qualities. Is that the kind of bullying you mean — derisive mocking?
I wouldn’t call that “passive” arrogance though.
There can be various reasons for passive arrogance. If it’s your secondary flaw rather than primary, then it will be more of an internal thing, all in the mind rather than out in the open.
It can also be something to do with maturity and self-awareness. An immature person with arrogance will just blurt out how better they are than others, and will loudly mock others’ failings. It doesn’t even occur to them that arrogance is a negative thing on their part.
A more mature person, in contrast, recognises that overt expressions of arrogance are not exactly endearing. Also, in many cultures (and parts of our own society) it isn’t socially acceptable to be so competitive, individualistic, and proud. An inflated ego is frowned upon. So those with arrogance will then try to keep it hidden.
Then it becomes a “covert operation” and finds more subtle ways to express itself, such as always steering the conversation towards topics where you might shine, or saying things that IMPLY your superiority, leaving others to INFER it, without you actively saying it.
The best way to stop it?
1. Self awareness.
Be mindful, notice how it is evoked in you in particular situations, and how you express it. Notice the compare-and-contrast tendency, such as constantly evaluating self and others. The more aware of it you are, the easier it is to intervene and consciously choose not to go along with it.
2. Self understanding.
See if you can identify and articulate the underlying fear driving it. With arrogance, it’s something to do with being exposed or perceived as just ordinary, nothing special, with ordinary failings. In other words, vulnerability. There’s a vulnerable I inner child who fears the worst if one should ever be exposed as less than great or special.
3. Self acceptance.
Make an honest list of what you consider to be your best aspects (traits or achievements you can be proud of) and your worst bits. Accept them all for what they are — variations of our common humanity. Everyone has mixed bag of qualities, including negative qualities such as arrogance. If you can come to describe exactly how arrogance works in you, without flinching, then you’ve dragged it out of the shadows.
Finally, beware the temptation to judge your arrogance. That’s just the whole compare-and-contrast thing trying to get you at another level.
Hi Barry,
I feel like the one in the article/blog. Until few months ago I had a lot of impatience due to this feeling and it was resulting in not so polite/impatience conversations with my family and friends. The change in my work location and nature helped me get some free time which helped me reduce some of the stress and in turn reduce some of the impatience during day to day activities. But i have recently started feeling again that I am not growing in my career, not doing enough work as much as I used to do etc. sometimes feel like going for some higher studies to catchup on what I have lost in last few years of no growth. But impatience keep pushing be between above thought vs improving self performance at current job which otherwise I don’t want to continue for a long time. Not able to give genuine focus/time to family as I always feel like first catching up in my career( in turn more money, respect etc ).
Please share your comments.
Thx – Raj
its interesting.
Hi, I have always lived at a full pace. I can achieve a great deal in a day and I actually love it. I get sooooooooo frustrated when people are indecisive, or slow in completing given tasks. My motto is ‘blink and you miss me”. My impatience has caused me to achieve a lot more personal goals in my short life. Many around me want my lifestyle, but, no one wants my life. Oddly, commitment and following through tasks takes a great deal of inner self-motivation. When I was about two and a half years old, I became seriously ill. I nearly died. I do not know if this is innately the driving force to my life and the pace I live it at. I had a “self-less loving mother”, who embraced the world as well as us 5 children. Perhaps she has subconsciously influenced me. I am happy and am glad I am like this and see impatience more of a character asset than a flaw.
Hi Ann,
Most of what you describe matches either
(1) the positive pole of IMPATIENCE
(2) the positive pole of AGGRESSION mode
(3) the “KING” archetype, or role-in-essence
All of the above facets of character share a similar quality of “commanding action”, and I don’t know which one (or more) is the case for you, but maybe you can figure it out for yourself from the following:
IMPATIENCE:
All character flaws including impatience stem originally from fear. Impatience is rooted in a fear of missing out, or running out of time, causing an unconscious need to do everything as quickly as possible. When the fear is all-consuming, impatience manifests as INTOLERANCE, an angry frustration with others who slow up your need to act as quickly as possible. Any fear can be overcome with self-awareness and intent, however, and in the case of impatience the fear can be transformed into AUDACITY, which is literally fearless bold action or intrepid daring, doing life quickly without any anxiety behind it.
AGGRESSION:
Our “mode” is how we, as individuals, focus our innate energy into deliberate action. All modes, including aggression, are rooted in pure energy. The mode of aggression isn’t about violence by the way; its about our natural ability to act in a “strong, hard and fast” style. The most positive manifestation of aggression is DYNAMISM – think of an emergency medical team trying to resuscitate a dying patient: no time to waste, just DO it! The negative side is BELLIGERENCE, which resembles impatience – a heated frustration with others who aren’t as fast as you.
KING:
The King archetype is one of seven essential character types (each of us embodies one, with traces of the others as secondary influences). The King type is naturally commanding, masterful and extremely competent. What a King type often lacks, however, is empathy for others’ lack of confidence or competence. A King type has to understand that others are different in that they don’t share his or her natural MASTERY. When a King type lacks such empathy, however, he or she will manifest TYRANNY — just do as I say!
So, impatience OR aggression OR the King essence could be at work here. I noticed is your frustration with others who don’t share your speed and decisiveness. That may be a clue as to exactly what is driving your living at full pace.
Hope that makes sense
Barry
Hi Barry
I’m starting to understand that I too have the three traits, impatience, aggression and the King ‘thing’… I don’t know how I got here, but now it is starting to manifest as tyranny! Is it a hormonal thing too, coming more strongly with age? (I’m 42)
Hi Susan,
Assuming you’ve read the above comment & response, here are a few other things to consider:
A King is a natural leader without even trying. People just automatically turn to them, trusting them to make decisions and take responsibility (think of Fred in Scooby-Doo: “Shaggy, you investigate over there with Scooby while Velma and I look for Daphne”). Kings enjoy feeling in command of their life, though that doesn’t necessarily mean being the boss; it just means knowing how it everything works and how to pull strings as needed. Doing this mindfully and appropriately, a King demonstrates mastery; doing it mindlessly and inappropriately, it comes out as tyranny (just expecting others to do your bidding, like puppets).
The key difference between negatively-expressed aggression and impatience is that with impatience there is a look of terror or panic in the eyes. Impatience stems from irrational fear; belligerence stems from mindless use of force.
You haven’t mentioned the goal of dominance, which is another possibility as it’s the Cardinal Action goal. A person with a goal of dominance SEEKS to be in charge as often as possible. It’s their desire in life to run something, or to have a position of power. (Note: in many societies it is common – especially in late childhood or adolescence — to imagine that dominance is the only goal worth having, as the means to succeed in life. So a lot of young people set out seeking power, or at least set out to look like they are in charge, but those who don’t have dominance as their goal will soon run into inner conflict.)
So, all of these traits are in the same ball-park but there are key differences in where they are coming from and how they can manifest. I hope this helps you see what’s what for you a bit more clearly!
Barry
Hi again
Sorry, I just spotted that you referred to your age and asked about that.
It is very likely that you are wading through the mid-life transition.
There are seven key transitions in life :
1. Physical birth
2. Age 2-ish: ego formation, the start of childhood
3. Age 15-20-ish: leaving the nest, embarking into independent adulthood, though still led by ego
4. Age 35-45-ish: mid-life, self-questioning, overcoming ego and childhood concerns. If successful, happily entering maturity with a sense of true purpose.
5. Age 60-70-ish: self-review (“am I done yet?”). If successful, leading to completion, fulfilment and retirement.
6. Awareness of undergoing death. If successful, peaceful acceptance of it.
7. Physical death.
Believe it or not, the 4th is usually the hardest, psychologically. We may start to question everything we have come to believe and value; we may have to let go of false notions, old habits, superficial behaviour patterns, while at the same time not quite knowing what are true notions, good habits and meaningful behaviours. It’s a time of searching inwardly for a sense of our unique meaning and purpose.
It doesn’t usually come in a single “aha” moment, but gradually comes into view like a distant oasis in the desert. I struggled for a few years in a state of “crisis” that seemed to have no basis in life: outwardly everything was fine, but inwardly I just felt like I wasn’t being fully me. Realising that it was this transition affecting me, I actually locked myself in a room one day and decided to focus on my innermost and truest sense of purpose in life, to see if I could dredge it up from my unconscious and make it a clear “mission statement”. It worked — took about 45 minutes. Take a notepad with you if you want to do the same. I started by writing “What am I here to do?” At first I wrote down the ideas that I was already conscious of, but then allowed myself to go beyond them into the feelings and visions that I wasn’t so conscious of. For example, what if I knew I were going to die in a year’s time? What would I have to do in my remaining time in order to get to my death bed feeling satisfied that I had found, experienced, expressed and offered the best of me?
It took a while to find the right words that felt perfect, but here they are:
“To find something I deem really worth saying, and then to say it beautifully.”
Your unique purpose or sense of fulfilment, whatever it is, will involve using your innate skills in a way that (a) benefits others, and (b) pleases you.
Once we get a sense of it and start moving towards it, we also drop any baggage that we no longer need. This can be very difficult in some circumstances – an example would be the person who has to leave her domineering husband in order to find herself as an artist, even though it will affect her children.
who is the author of this ? Who made this theory? I am trying to reference this site but all I see is Barry.
Okay so how exactly is this supposed to well make you patient?
Hi Destiny, it’s like a force inside that impacts on my behaviour. It usually manifests for me in poor communication, and rushing things. My daughter manages me well, and sometimes says ‘don’t rush me mummy’ :).
Patience with your children, partner, friends and family is a must. Communicating is key. I find when I am impatient with my kids there are outside things that are influencing my reaction. Take a breath, step back and evaluate what is really making you react so negatively. It may not be the person at all yet feelings of frustration you have within yourself at that moment.
This has great points and I look forward to applying what’s needed thank you.
Thank you for helping my awareness and getting me to have a desire and hope to lool into my impatience.
Thanks d, good luck.
B
Sadly this describes me perfectly, I struggle with this for the past 15 years, it’s eating me from inside out.
Impatient People Have Mental Issues.No Manners.It Depends On The Sitution.Also Talikng Fast And Demanding Waiters To Serve You.Dont Care For Tips,Spit In Your Food.You See It In Work Day And Driving In All Races And Gender.Look At Rushy People Work Performance Looks Like Crap.No Common Sense,Itallions,Greeks,Chinese,Indians,Dutch Make Things That Garbage.Sometimes Slow Medium Speed Make Fine Wine,Clothes,Music.Take Your Time And Dont Let No One Rush You.All The Great Artist,Scientist,Composers Are Slow!!Research Einstien,Beethoven.
I wasn’t even patient enough to finish reading, but in this I could say the repetitiveness has done it for me! and crap I have to almost register to just to leave this comment!
I have come to a point at my early’s 40’s that I can’t stand at myself bc of impatience.
I guess I’ve been always like this and surprisingly; Yes! I was hold on going out of my house to play with other kids and when I did was always someone checking on me and calling to go back early. Also surprisingly I have always faced the fact to be left out when it comes to being like in a group of people I don’t know them; tipically I don’t know how to engage in a conversation and when I approach to the group while they are talking and wanna say something; most of the time I’m ignored and they just keep talking making me feel very unconfortable (and I have search for books on how to engage in groups conversations but…) so this is pretty much rude for me coming from them.
But when it comes to call an 800# whatever customer service is that I need to resolve an issue; this is a big black whole in the wall I pre-see and by the moment someone answer and is not an american accent itself but it is some foreign representative that is soo hard to understand them I become absolutely angry and it frustrate me much bc of the time consuming this is or even any native american rep. that is customer service bc they just don’t listen to what I say and go over other things not been asked.
The other thing I realized is that I don’t have patience with a colleague that is very slow for everything and when I ask him something specifically he goes around all those details that I don’t need bc I know them, although I always wait but it get on my nerves so at this point I’m gonna read this book and seek help to slow down myself bc ain’t nice been always in the FAST LANE and besides, Yes! I do have much to accomplish and have several activities that are most of them pleasant except doing errands bc is time consuming, and by the end of the day at night I’m tired and I leave aside things I wanna do bc of my tiredness and that’s why – basically is – that every day I want to accomplish early hours things what I care the most but among responsibilities is tough.
Barry are you still available to help me get some answers to a few issues?
I am — a bit busy at home right now, so slow to respond, but go ahead Lynn.
Hi Barry, this is the best blog I have read on this matter. This was the first post I read when I was looking for ways go end my impatience since I absolutely hate it. After reading your whole blog I come to the first post I read with a question. I have figured I am a warrior mature soul with all type 7 outleaves but in terms of the chief feature I’m between impatience and greed towards money (I tend to hoard money). I have read somewhere that we normally have 2 chief features a primary which obstacles the goal and a secondary which obstacles the attitude. I would say my primary is impatience and my secondary greed but I cant how they obstacle my type 7 dominance goal and my aggressive attitude? Also is it possible to overcome these features? Since this is your primary feature as well any book or sources you would recommend to deal with impatience?
Thanks so much again
Hi Saya
Glad you like the blog. Impatience and greed – that’s quite a combo. Impatience is said to be the hardest on the self and greed is the hardest on loved ones around us.
“all type 7 overleaves” — that would be dominance, aggression, realism (and impatience!). Note that you say “my aggressive attitude” but you mean your *realistic* attitude.
The chief features, when taking control, pull us into the negative poles of the other overleaves. I’m not 100% clear how this works as yet, but my best guess is — If impatience + greed are valid as your CFs, and dominance + realism are indeed your goal and attitude, then this would suggest that (1) when you feel a fear of missing out or running out of time, you will resort to impatiently put yourself in positions of dictatorship; (2) when you feel yourself to be lacking or a risk of not having enough, your sharp perceptiveness will fixate on just seeing opportunities for self-gratification.
Overcoming impatience? A few things have worked for me:
* You can only focus on one thing at a time.
* There are no consequences for not completing everything started – nothing to fear.
* You can’t ever get it all done anyway.
Hope this helps.
Thanks so much for your reply Barry. after reading your whole blog I decided to get one of the channelers you spoke about to get my chart and to my surprise *and disappointment I have to say* it has nothing to do with what I thought. Actually NOTHING its like its a different person we are talking about. The chaneler told me if it doesnt resonate with me I need to get another point of view from a different chaneler and I was like what? is this normal? I mean how do I know then when its true or not? Or do I need to be getting charts until I get what I think.. then whats the point? I dont know.. Im very confused…
Everything was different than what I thought but what was completely off were 1. the Chief Features. The rest I could just have been wrong, but Im extremely impatient which is how I found this article and started finding out about the Michael teachings, and not only he didnt mention Impatience but he mentioned Arrogance which i like the least arrogant person in the world and 2. my goal he mentioned is flow. TBH thats the goal I would have loved, but from reading about it is it possible thats your goal after suffering chilhood abuse? I thought flow is for those that want to have a peaceful life, an off life basically, so why would any soul choose abuse for a life off? Just wondering… Thanks for you inpuy
[NOTE – I have already responded to Saya in private by email. I don’t discuss specific channels in public.]
Yes, sadly it is the case that you may need to shop around once or twice until you hit the reading that feels right.
The very first reading I received had me as an Old Priest, and I immediately knew that couldn’t be right. I then found a more reputable channel and came out as a Mature Scholar, which I immediately felt was correct. I have since validated all the other elements of that reading (except the higher levels of casting, the influences of which are still too subtle for me to sense).
I once tried out a new (to me) channel to get a reading for my son. I knew that my son just HAD to be an Artisan-cast Scholar, either Old or Mature, and with stubbornness, but this channel had him as a Warrior with arrogance — SO not him! Since then, I asked another channel (more well known to me) for my son’s reading, and he came out as an Old Scholar, Artisan-cast, with stubbornness. Bingo.
The teachings channelled from Michael have, from day 1, ALWAYS emphasised the concept of self-validation, deciding from our own inner experience if what we are told feels right or rings true, and not to trust a single word that doesn’t ring true, even if it’s from a reputable channel. If readings are treated as ‘gospel’ and not subjected to scrutiny, then Michael has literally failed to teach what they are attempting to teach, which is to develop self-understanding through self-examination.
No channel is 100% accurate, and all good channels will readily admit this; if they don’t, they aren’t being honest with themselves.
Bottom line – if the first one didn’t feel right, treat it as learning experience in trusting your sense of who you are. Maybe that is all part of the plan on some level.
Hope this helps
“Love is PATIENT and kind….”
Lack of patience is quite simple. It is indicative of a lack of Love in the present moment. It is, instead, indicative of a present moment fear that has arisen.
The article was accurrate to mention the fear-based quality, though it is not always a fear of death.
The presence of fear entering a moment quite often replaces the presence of love in that moment.
Lets take the driving example.
Do slow drivers always bother you? Or only sometimes? Whats the fear? Are you going to be “late”? And that matters because…?
Will it make you look bad? Loose money? Loose a client? Not get to a store before it closes? Identify the fear.
And simultaneously realizes how you feel towards this “slow” driver. Do you love them? Are you gentle with them?
I doubt it.
And yet you NEED to be.
You need to bring love into the moment.
So you need to practice in this moment. You breath. You let your thought go. You replace it with another. Hopefully, you have a meditation practice and you know how to do this. If not, its time to start, because you are responsible to be able to do so. You are responsible for being consciously loving and bringing love into the moment.
“Love is patient. Love is kind.”
The truth is, that other driver has just as much right to be on the road as you do. And you will need to surrender and discipline your thoughts. Instead of hateful thoughts that translate into actions of impatience, motivated by your fear, you will consciously replace your thoughts with other thoughts. “This could be a teen driving on the road for the first time.”, or “This is an elderly person who isnt seeing well”.
You need to recenter into the present and say, “This is my experince right now.” And practice bringing peace into the moment.
It is actually very easy.
But you have to practice doing it, or you will resort to the unconscious fear, for this thinking does not arise on its own when love has left the situation, and fear has entered. So you must stay vigilant, and use the frontal lobes of the brain. It IS your responsibility has a human being.
Are you waiting for an injury to heal and are impatient? Then you are angry towards something and unloving towards yourself. If you can not nurture yourself in healing and embrace it, explore why.
Are you impatient waiting in line? Why? You could talk to the person behind you, practice deep breathing, look outside at the sky and take it in. Your present moment experience actually IS being in the line. That is it. There is actually no reality that the line is “too slow” or “not fast enough”. Thats a delusion you created in your head. Why?
Why do you need to cling, define, and control the narrative to fit your selfish desires? Maybe try defining the narrative in relation to the situation that is arising, for the narrative is actually happening all around you, independent if you. Your only choice is to fear it or infuse it with Love.
I encourage you to see how beautiful life becomes when you do the latter.
Truly, patience is simple.
There is only one way.
The article is very good. I would have termed it unique.