This account of a life-between-lives regression follows directly on from my previous post describing a past life regression in which I had experienced being an Irish woman in the eighteenth century. At the end of that story, I had wilfully withdrawn from life and died in my late 30s. What I describe now are my after-death experiences followed by a lengthy period in which Hazel, my hypnotherapist, asked various questions of my guides and elders, including questions I had prepared beforehand relating to my current life issues and my overall life’s purpose.
During the regression, which was 3 hours long(!), I had to pause twice for an urgent toilet break. Well, urgent but with me moving in a zombie-like fashion.
Immediately after the regression, I found that I could not remember a thing about what had been said. I felt a peculiar mix of being very spaced-out and at the same time I also had a slight headache from so much mental concentration. The lack of memory for the experience probably indicates that I was in a deeper than normal trance.
The Realm of Light
The Yearning by Arthur Douët, 2002.
I was aware of rising up into the air. I had actually died in my sleep, so part of me was wondering if I was just dreaming.
Eventually I went up through a kind of hole in mid-air, like a funnel-shaped portal, into a space of calm and cloudy white light. I couldn’t say what size the place was; I was only aware of my immediate vicinity.
I could feel a couple of other presences there — and also there was my husband, sitting down at first (looking the way he had tended to sit in life, in an armchair), but as I fully came into this light space he stood up and embraced me. He looked just the same, only light and bright. We grinned at each other and he placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder.
[I saw at this point that my husband in that life is now my 8 year old son in my present life.]
I realised what was happening to me and thought to myself,
‘So this is it! I’ve come to heaven!’
He replied to my thoughts:
‘Here we are indeed! You are going to love it here.’
Then he added,
‘There are some things for you to do first,’
and he pointed me to one of the other beings there.
This was a being in female form, very beautiful, regal and statuesque — I actually said ‘like an angel except that there are no wings.’ I think her name was something like Amiel or Amil. She was dressed like a queen, I thought, though I could also tell that ‘form’ was something very malleable here. If someone was in the periphery of my attention, all I noticed was light and presence. But the more I focused on that being, the more I could perceive a human-like form — not just visual form, I realised, but also tangible.
I also noticed that there was a lovely sense of connection here. I could not feel any ‘alienation’ from others. It just felt like I was on the same wavelength as everyone else. It wasn’t just that I was feeling accepted — it was more automatic than that. There was nothing to be got over in relation to anyone.
This queen-like being, whom I soon realised was my guide, asked me if I was ready to take a look at the life I had just lived. I asked, ‘What do I have to do?’
We were standing in a circle around the spot through which I had first emerged, but now there was a white hemisphere, or the top half of a globe, and we were looking at images inside it. I could see myself as a baby at the start of the Irish life.
As I watched the scenes unfold, my guide said a few things:
‘You had such high hopes for yourself … You struggled with living such a hum-drum life … It was your wish to see where you could get to from here…’
I could see that I had always been looking for things in my life to change by wishing I was somewhere else. As Mary I had wanted to be a free spirit, to live an independent life. Yet in the end I didn’t feel that way at all — I felt the opposite.
The guide told me that my plan had been ‘to find the capability in me to be the cause of change in my life’. And apparently I was getting closer to the point at which I could consciously take full responsibility for being the cause of change in my own life.
My husband’s fatal accident had been to do with me choosing between being independent and having security from others. It had been planned that he would be a short-term source of security in my life. A step up, but not a trap.
As for the clergyman, it seemed that in this case I had simply accepted the first offering of security that had come along.
I learned from all this that ‘you choose what you sacrifice.’ As Mary, I had sacrificed independence for security. I could have sacrificed security for independence. But once I have found security, it seems, it’s hard for me to let go of. Apparently, this is something I’m working on — the nature of security, choices around security.
I also learned that there were many other things that could have occurred in that life if I had initiated them, but instead I had been waiting for things to happen to me, waiting for ‘God’ to do things for me. I needn’t have died when I did — apparently, I could have gone to be with my child. I could have chosen a different course of life.
I briefly felt sad about that. It all seemed so obvious now. But the guide also told me that it had actually been a relatively happy life for me. There was much in it to be thankful for. There were good moments as well as bad, as usual.
I could also now see that my choices were not absolute. It isn’t always either/or — either security or independence. I found myself explaining to the therapist:
‘Some things are impossible to learn in the life — we can’t see the bigger picture. We just react to the situations we find ourselves in rather than observe what we are creating.’
At this point the therapist asked me if my guide had been working with me in that life. I replied:
‘It was the guide in that moment on the cliff-top. It was her reassurance I felt as coming from God.’
Apparently I had asked her to keep me pointing the right way in life. That moment on the cliff-top had been a point at which I could have gone off the rails.
And at this moment my guide touched me on the face. She held my face in a very loving way. I (Barry) began to cry.
I described the feelings as:
‘Absolutely being held in love… Absolute comfort and reassurance… And knowing that this is eternal. This can’t be broken or severed.’
My guide told me that the stage is set for this return to love after every life. This is what to expect every time.
The Council of Elders
Next, I was ushered by my guide into some kind of hall. It was white, marbly, curved.
I should point out that I was not getting a great deal of visual imagery. What I ‘saw’ was often fleeting and pretty impressionistic — but just enough for me to identify a few things, such as in this case a white, marbly, curved hall.
There was a table structure in front of me with three beings sitting behind it. I sat down on a step in front of it feeling calm and a sense of positive anticipation. I was looking forward to this. It was stimulating and I loved getting their perspective. I also noticed that I had a different sense of myself — there was less of Mary and I was just ‘me’.
I had my own word for these three, but I was struggling to find it. I knew that the common term is ‘Council of Elders’ but I had a distinctive term… Reviewers? Commentators?
At first I could not see them well — I was just aware of their mass of light and presence. They gave off quite a masculine energy, especially the one in the middle who did all the ‘talking’. Later, I came to see that the one in the middle bore some resemblance to the self-portraits of Leonardo da Vinci in his old age with his long white hair and beard.
The figure in the middle began by asking something like,
‘How do you think it went?’
‘I was disappointed in the end, frustrated at not making more of it. There were opportunities I didn’t take, but I was choosing security over freedom and adventure.’
‘Yes,’ he said, ‘that’s become a theme for you, hasn’t it?’
I laughed at this. Then I said,
‘I’m still struggling to trust that independence is OK, to take risks.’
‘When you have dependants, independence is a risk. When you have the freedom to be independent, it’s hardly a risk at all.’
I got that he was suggesting that there are times in life when the risks are different. Sometimes there is no risk involved — it’s just a matter of walking out the door and going somewhere else. And sometimes there is a price to be paid for that because there are other people who are depending upon you.
‘You have to play life your own way, but we would encourage you to be more adventurous when the time is right. And of course, you don’t have to go anywhere to have adventure. There are adventures of the mind and of the heart, not just of the body. You can live a very rich life without ever leaving one area, one place. Place is a state of mind, as is freedom.’
I replied that this was something I ought to explore.
‘I’ll have a look at this. But I don’t want to give up on physical adventures!’
‘Why should you? Just be aware of your options — not just physical.’
I was also told — reminded — that I can have adventures with others, and that independence of spirit does not necessarily mean being alone, and that one of the greatest of adventures is relationship, which is a journey of discovery. ‘But you know that already,’ he added.
My therapist asked the elders to comment on the purpose of my life as Mary.
‘It was to be a life of isolation where escape would always be a temptation, or an option. The purpose was to experience the choices of staying and moving.’
What about those two choice moments I had described? The time at the boat and the time at the priest’s house?
I was told that, yes, I could have been bolder in choosing independence and movement, but the fact that I hadn’t felt bold enough was not a problem — it was just where I was.
I was also told by the elders that they could feel a sense of urgency in me, and that this is not necessary. They said that it comes from me seeing others getting ahead of me, other souls. They added that this really doesn’t matter because the ones who go ahead of me will just be my helpers, so I get more help. And there may come a time when I go ahead of them.
‘It really doesn’t matter. There is no deadline, no schedule. Everything is on time. There is no such thing as a late-running train here.’
I laughed at that.
The theme of harmony
The therapist asked for the theme that my soul group is working on. I (or possibly my guides) responded:
‘The theme is harmony. How to live harmonious lives, being in harmony with self and with others at the same time. Harmony of thought and feelings.’
The therapist asked how many lifetimes ago had been this one as Mary. I struggled to get this information. Eventually I said that it was five lifetimes ago, though I felt quite uncertain about that figure. When she asked what those lives were, I said
‘There was a dark life in the 1800s … A boy, in London, a short life … I think I lived in the Greenwich area … A German life – Berlin. Another short one.’
In reference to the life in the 1800s, which I suspect was my ‘dark satanic mills’ experience, Hazel asked, What was the result of that life in terms of learning?
‘That it does no good to cut myself off from others in life. I became very isolated and separate; estranged. There was a lack of harmony in the end. This showed me what happens when harmony goes out the window. It gave me reason to reach out to others.’
The main elder then added:
‘It was a difficult life, but valuable. And that is often the case.’
Hazel asked, ‘Do the hard lives have particular value for our soul?’
The elder responded directly:
‘It depends on what is hard about them. There are lives of drudgery which are not of any great value in themselves but may be to the benefit of others. You could say there are different kinds of value: there is learning value and there is supporting value.’
My present life issues
After this point, we focused on what could be learned about my present life.
To briefly summarise, I have had various physical ailments over the last 10 years, sometimes debilitating. One of these is to do with my throat. I have also had post-viral fatigue for 9 or 10 months now. Psychologically, I have persistent shyness and a sense of inadequacy, though these are no longer dominant in my personality. I am also wondering how to take my career in a new direction.
The discussion got very detailed at times, so from here on I will just present a lightly edited word-for-word transcript. There were some highly personal discussions involving other people in my life which I am not sharing publicly and I have left these out of the account.
First of all, Hazel asked if the elders had been involved in my present life planning process as I planned the life of Barry.
‘They asked me what I wanted to focus on.’
What did you tell them?
‘That I wanted to bring more pleasure into life (laughing) — give myself more pleasure. And they said that that’s good because I will learn not to be dependent on others for my well-being, my state of mind.’
Did they offer you any advice?
‘When help is offered, take it.’
Do they offer any other advice?’
‘“Look after yourself with hope.” I think this is about my physical condition.’
Can you ask about the purpose of your physical conditions in this life?’
‘There is a mixture of things. There is some agreement I have with my wife […]. But I’m also accident prone, which is to do with resentment when things aren’t going well physically.’
And what is it you want to learn from that?’
‘That I cannot improve anything by resenting it. It backfires every time (laughing). That’s when I’m looking outside myself instead of looking inside myself — I’m resenting the world for not doing something for me instead of looking to myself.’
So can you confirm that you chose to manifest these ailments during this lifetime?’
‘Well, the accident-proneness is a propensity. The throat illness is a deal, an arrangement. Something to do with putting me on the edge, keeping me on the edge. They say: “Facing death is often where the most growth comes from.”’
And how are you doing that?
‘When I no longer need to face death to grow, the illness will clear up. Lesson learnt. Facing death is what motivates me to “get my house in order” — to find harmony — to look for where there’s disharmony in my life and try to correct it.’
Let’s ask them about the low energy state you’ve been having in life lately — what is the purpose of this?
‘They say that I’m getting resonances from past lives where I’ve given up.’
What can you do about it?
‘This is why I’m here now – in this very room! This is what has brought me here — to see the whole trend.’
And the purpose of your physical challenges — any more information?
‘Again it’s to do with harmony. There is a lack of harmony in how I am in my body and being physical, So there is a challenge there to find harmony.’
How do they advise you to do that?
‘The say: “Start with the energy, focus on it and listen to it. The energy is already there — just bring everything else into harmony with the energy.”’
Do they recommend any kind of practice, spiritual or energetic, that would help you?
‘More breath-work. Bring breath-work into my meditation. Anything that uses the breath in a more controlled way. Like chi kung. … And drink more water!’
What are your challenges – what do you hope to overcome in this life?
‘My sense of self that I am weak.’
And why did you choose that?
‘I have an abiding problem with finding my inner capacity, my inner strength. I tend to look outside for strength. In this life, I am seeing the improbability of my ‘weak’ self-image because I surround myself with people who are demonstrating strength — I have role models and I am inspired to look into myself to find my own strengths.’
Do they discuss the level of soul energy that you will take into this life?
‘No, I don’t get that… They are saying I will gradually use more and more of my inner strength, my inner resource. I will be finding myself step by step.’
And what do decide you want to focus your life purpose on this time?
‘That my journey be of use to others. I feel ready to … speak … from myself. Yes, that’s it — first find myself, then speak from myself.’
Is there anything specific you want to speak about from yourself?
‘Hmm – I’m suddenly feeling very … I’ve got a lot of adrenaline.’
Let’s ask the elders what that’s about.
‘They say, “Well, what do you expect? You’re touching upon your life’s purpose!” (laughing) They are saying that anything I can do, anything I can speak about or write about which is of benefit to others is worth speaking about and writing about! It’s more a matter ofbelieving that I have things of benefit to others, things to say, things to write. They say: “Harmony in life brings joy. Bringing harmony into life creates joy in life. Find harmony in oneself and between oneself and others.” It’s wherever I find harmony or find ways of creating harmony within myself or within relationships or within the world — that’s my focus. So I’m always looking for harmony and trying to understand it.’
Can the guides tell you how the change in energy in the planet right now will help you with your purpose?
‘Well, they are telling me that the change of energy in the planet right now is actually a kind of convergence of many conflicting energies in need of harmonisation. There is a lot of clash and clatter at the human level, which is part of the process of growing harmony. There is a great coming-together, and at the moment it’s different energies coming together like different weather fronts creating thunder and lightening. But there is the harmony that will grow from this. There is a search for harmony inspired by it.’
And will that assist you in some way?
‘They say that it will assist me to see myself in the right place at the right time. It’s just a different way of looking at the world, these conflicting energies in search of harmony — and this will help me feel more aligned with what I want to do — to feel more purposeful… They are saying: “That’s it in a nutshell!”’
See if they’ve got any other comments at this moment.
‘They say that not everyone will want to listen and not everyone wants to live a joyous life. I shouldn’t expect a revolution. It’s just about speaking to those who are ready to move on their own path, those who are at that place in themselves, and the rest won’t and that’s fine. Don’t try to change people, just speak to those who are there, ready to hear it. … And don’t expect to get it done in one life.’
And what advice can they give you to move forward following this mini life review?
‘Just to be more conscious of my desire for harmony, and that the process of bringing more harmony into my life is a growth technique for me. It’s a growth path, a process. And as I do it consciously I can see how I do it and that’s what I speak about.’
Ah, it gives you the very material –
It is now a week since the spiritual regression experience. So, how have I been?
Well, at first I just felt weird, having very little memory of the event. In fact, I just couldn’t wait to listen to the recording.
As I transcribed the recording, I found that while every word felt ‘familiar’ to me, there were many surprises. The depth and clarity of the information from the guide and from the elders was particularly striking. More importantly, as I read and re-read the transcript, I realised that I had been given huge insights into my life’s meaning and purpose. There were enormous resonances in the core of my being.
With that, I felt a surge of energy — something was visibly obvious to my wife — and since then I have felt at least 90% clear of the fatigue state. I have been doing some breathwork and drinking more water, and really feeling great!
I have a renewed sense of optimism for my way ahead in life. The fact that I can name ‘harmony’ as my point of focus is just terrific and makes so much sense to me. The whole thing about finding myself and then speaking from myself is exactly what my life has been about so far. This very website is an essential part of that process.
With this regression experience, I feel as though I have begun to heal a very old wound.
See more of my spiritual journal
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