My Spiritual Journal

My spiritual journal – occasional accounts of my personal inner journey and explorations.

A difficult time

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8 March 2007

Whoa — a lot’s been happening this year. Basically my dad had an operation that left him in constant severe pain, and having his bladder removed left him having to deal with living with a colostomy bag. I had a call last November to tell me that he was losing the will to live, and I flew up to see him. He confirmed that he did indeed want it to end — and was fed up with people telling him not to think like that. I got across to him that I accepted and understood what he was saying. He went from hospital ward to hospice to nursing home, and finally died on January 4th. The last time I saw him (about a week beforehand) he had looked grim: thin, weak, miserable, barely able to keep his eyes open. But I think he was reassured that there were no loose ends. I also wanted him to know that I was happy in life, though I’m not sure to what extent he could take it in.

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Ups and downs

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18 October 2006

I’ve read the second abraham book (The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intention) and am nearly finished the third, which I discovered hot off the press at Amazon (The Art of Allowing). Over the last couple of weeks I have found myself going from ecstatic and blissful states into more of a kind of contented steady state, with some occasional grumpiness intruding. In reading through the third book, however, I feel more in control of my states.

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“Getting” what I want

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23 September 2006

My energy is still great as a result of meditating and allowing – I mean, really great. I am going through the day in a generally uplifted feeling – with occasional dips of course, but my centre of gravity is hopeful and rising.

I have found that I can easily open up and allow, accepting the energy flowing through me, but I have not been so diligent in focusing on desires. What I find is that as soon as I focus on, say, prosperity, I get distracted by the things I’m ‘overlooking’, i.e. the other things I could be focusing on such as work or admin.

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My first manifestation?

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14 September 2006

Every day at work I buy my lunch from a nearby tuck shop on site. It sells only a few basics – sandwiches in the chiller cabinet, crisps, flapjacks, milk, fruit, sweets, etc. It’s always the same. As I walked in yesterday to get my usual (egg mayo baggette, bag of peanuts, maybe a flapjack), I thought to myelf, “Wouldn’t it be nice if they kept a selection of cheeses in the chiller … yeah, different types of cheese in individual wrappers …”

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More insights

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11 September 2006

I discovered yesterday that I have an underlying feeling of pessimism about my desires coming true. It’s a belief or expectation that it would be a bad move to have my desires met.

I contemplated this during my meditation and got that it relates to certain experiences in my youth when I felt humiliated. In one case it was about a girlfriend, in another it was about going to university. In both cases my desires had come true, but then after a while there had been a rotten, humiliating outcome. I think I got the impression that having my desires come true was just a route to humiliation, and I explained this to myself by deciding that “my desires are silly” and not worthy of fruition.

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Good vibrations

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9 September 2006

Thanks to my meditation (see Meditation Journal post: Ask And It Is Given) I have been having excellent ‘vibrational’ states – I can feel energy in me surging, throbbing, glowing. I wake up in the morning feeling soothed after a restful night rather than grouchy and sore.

I have been alternating between focusing on desires and allowing better feelings. It’s great!

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Ask And It Is Given

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6 September 2006

Ask And It Is GivenI’ve been reading Ask And It Is Given by Esther Hicks and the spirit entity she channels known as Abraham.

It’s one of those books that just leapt out at me the last time I went to the bookshop. Throughout my adult life I have occasionally felt the pull to go to a bookshop and find ‘the’ book that’s just waiting for me, the right book for me at the right time, and this is one such occasion. It’s basically the best book I’ve ever come across on manifesting and connecting with the Divine (or Source). Totally inspiring and clear.

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